Of course, me and my buddies had to sneak into the theaters to do so; and I’m perfectly okay with admitting to having broken said law plenty of years after the statute of limitations has run out. (Erm … it has, right? Right?!?!) The first Conan had everything – and I do mean everything – that a fan of genre films could possible love. While it may not have been an entirely faithful adaptation of what creator Robert E. Howard intended (I’ve heard it was perhaps as often as I’ve heard it wasn’t), the motion picture still introduced Austrian strongman Arnold Schwarzenegger as the nomadic Cimmerian who went about seeking fame and fortune in the bygone era to the delight of Fantasy fans everywhere. It had warriors and wizards in relative supply. It had the kind of epic scope one expected of a story drawn from world-building mythology. And it had Sandahl Bergman as the demonstration that even ‘Girl Power’ could flourish at a time when ladies weren’t exactly covered up as well as they are today.
So you might imagine our astonishment when a good deal of what made the Barbarian such a groundbreaking experience in Fantasy was followed up with a vastly more kid-friendly sequel, Conan The Destroyer (1984). Oh, all of the necessary ingredients were still there for screen greatness, but it was all watered down, made blander and more palatable for an audience that showed up wishing for a big, bloody body count. This time, the princess was a real child – 14-year-old Olivia d’Abo in her film debut – and the sidekick was an authentic wisecracker – Tracey Walter is about as miscast a prospect there ever was. The mythic backdrop was gone; and – in its place – basketball legend Wilt Chamberlain and shock artist Grace Jones rounded out the cast of a lukewarm quest that amounted to an obvious double-cross and some of the lamest fight choreography of cinema record.
What’s a barbarian have to do to get a little respect around here?
(NOTE: The following review will contain minor spoilers necessary solely for the discussion of plot and/or characters. If you’re the type of reader who prefers a review entirely spoiler-free, then I’d encourage you to skip down to the last few paragraphs for the final assessment. If, however, you’re accepting of a few modest hints at ‘things to come,’ then read on …)
“Conan leads a ragtag group of adventurers on a quest for a princess.”
Folks, it pains me to remember just how disappointed I was with Conan The Destroyer back in its heyday.
While the first adventure had a problem here or there (mostly in the way it dipped in predictable comic moments to lighten the obvious dark mood), Destroyer was a bit of a mess, never quite charting out the length and limits of Conan’s quest here but, instead, putting him on the path to resurrecting his beloved Valeria (seen briefly here – via a body double) as reward for kinda/sorta ushering in a New Age for Queen Taramis (played by Sarah Douglas). Precisely how the Conan of the first picture – who never cared for magic – determined to embrace its potential so strongly in the second picture never quite gets explained (in spite of suggesting he’s been blinded by love), so everything that transpires over the course of this 103-minute spectacle lacks the necessary foundation to give it authenticity. It’s a cheap, predictable adventure – especially so when even modestly compared to Arnold’s debut in the role – and I’ve read that the franchise was willingly thrown off the track by its producer, Hollywood heavyweight Dino De Laurentiis.
As best as I understand this story, De Laurentiis was a bit aghast once he saw a fully assembled Conan The Barbarian, finding the hero’s quest a bit too dark and gloomy for his likes. All of this theatrical rumination over blood and guts forced the producer to dismiss writer/director John Milius for the sequel, and screen veteran Richard Fleischer was hired in hopes that a follow-up would be vastly more mainstream. (Is there a more offensive word in the English language?) As a result, Conan could still go about his barbaric ways, but there’d be fewer beheadings, a stronger emphasis on love (as opposed to pure lustful eroticism), and PG-rated carnage.
Good grief.
This reviewer means no insult to Fleischer at all. The man is a legend in his own right, and he certainly kept the technical merits that helped imprint the original film on the psyches of young men around the world firmly in place. The sets, props, costumes, locations, etc. are all tonally consistent were you to watch these two films back-to-back; but there’s a greater supply of what I’ll call ‘camel spit’ to the sequel than ever should’ve been allowed. In fact, Malak (the aforementioned Walters) even recounts an event from the first film that he wasn’t even present to see, so one might come away from Destroyer damn confused as to how the sequel truly gave birth logically to such a misguided Part 2.
Equally wasted is the presence of genre superstar Sarah Douglas. At this point in her career, audiences had already seen the lady’s ability to chew scenery alongside Terence Stamp and Gene Hackman in Superman II (1980), so I – as one in that crowd – was aghast that she was given such an underwhelming creation to sink her teeth into as was Taramis. I have both heard and read that there were scenes trimmed from the movie that may’ve strengthened her power and control over the circumstances here; and – if this is the case – I’d say that was a sad miscalculation on the producer’s part. But when you hire a Thespian with Douglas’ skill, shouldn’t you at least give her something that displays were capabilities? Here, she’s an asset that just reaches a mark that could’ve been achieved by any actress of the day; and the script’s failure to utilize her effectively is an insult to both her and the viewers.
A great deal has been written about Grace Jones addition to the cast, and – for better or for worse – I suppose it’s safe to admit she does a fairly affable job with what she was given. Athletically, she looks similar to Bergman (from the first film); and I wonder if that isn’t part of what Fleischer was trying to do, riffing on a popular character with a race-swapped addition. But given what the story lays out for her in the story, she’s still short-changed in the second half by being a woman rather stereotypically frightened by a rat crawling near to her from across the room. (Again, I get the joke. I’m just saying it was stupid and in poor taste, unbefitting the measure of warrior seen in Fantasy.) The script does rather Progressively reward her in the last reel, granting her a position we’re told historically intended for a man, so kudos to Fleisher for being well ahead of the curve with his Feminism.
All that leaves us with is d’Abo.
Clearly, her fetching good looks were part of the package Fleischer likely expected when casting her in the role; and – as I’ve always, always, always contended – there’s nothing wrong with that. It isn’t sexist, folks; it’s merely a factual observation. (This is why Roseanne Barr wasn’t cast as the princess.) Given that this was her big screen debut, it’s also reasonable to point out that her acting chops were relatively young and still developing, so I’ll simply point out that she doesn’t always hit the right note, as they say. As a princess, I can only suppose audiences took to her in the way the production intended; though a bit flat in a few spots, I’d attribute any major discrepancies to some underdeveloped ideas of the writing as opposed to shackling those weaknesses to her. I think a great deal more effort should’ve been expended on making this one a bit more coherent – the ragtag band seems to go where the script intended as opposed to organically developing into a quest – but ‘good enough’ seemed to be the vibe sought … and, on that front, it’s ‘good enough.’
Special Features and Technical Specs:
- BRAND NEW 4K RESTORATION from the original negative by Arrow Films
- DOLBY VISION/HDR PRESENTATION OF THE FILM
- Newly restored original mono audio and remixed Dolby Atmos surround audio
- Optional English subtitles for the deaf and hard-of-hearing
- Archive feature commentary by director Richard Fleischer
- Archive feature commentary by actors Olivia d'Abo and Tracey Walter
- Archive feature commentary by actor Sarah Douglas with genre historians Kim Newman & Stephen Jones
- Brand new feature commentary by genre historian Paul M. Sammon, author of Conan: The Phenomenon
- Newly assembled isolated score track in lossless stereo
- Casting the Destroyer, a newly filmed interview with casting director Johanna Ray
- Cut from a Different Cloth, a newly filmed interview with costume designer John Bloomfield
- Dune and the Destroyer, a newly filmed interview with art director Kevin Phipps
- Swords, Sorcery & Stunts, a newly filmed interview with stunt coordinator Vic Armstrong
- Behind the Destroyer, a newly filmed interview with John Walsh, author of Conan the Barbarian: The Official History of the Film
- Conan: The Making of a Comic Book Legend, an archive interview with writers Roy Thomas & Gerry Conway
- Basil Poledouris: Composing the Conan Saga, an archive interview with the composer
- Theatrical trailers
- Image gallery
- Double-sided fold-out poster
- Six double-sided collectors' postcards
- Illustrated collectors' booklet featuring new writing by Walter Chaw and John Walsh, and an archive set report by Paul M. Sammon
Recommended.
Look, peeps: I’m not gonna mix words with anyone over my opinion of Conan The Destroyer (1984). There’s no disputing that it’s the inferior film in this franchise, and – quite frankly – a lot of that is owed to the fact that De Laurentiis wanted to go after a completely different audience as opposed to the one who showed up (to greater financial rewards) for the first one. The technical accomplishments of what Destroyer achieved are still damn impressive, but tonally this one is all over map, struggling with nailing down the proper balance between action and intrigue, drama and comedy, and myth and magic. The blemishes I saw in my first theatrical go’round with it are there; and yet the older and (goddam it) wiser film enthusiast discovered a new appreciation for it decades later. You’re all forgiven, cast and crew, but I still wanted more screen adventures of the seminal Cimmerian.
In the interests of fairness, I’m pleased to disclose that the fine folks at Arrow Films provided me with a complimentary 4K Ultra HD Blu-ray screener copy of Conan The Destroyer (1984) by request for the expressed purposes of completing this review. Their contribution to me in no way, shape, or form influenced my opinion of it.
-- EZ