For the record: Horror and Comedy do not easily mix.
In my estimation, they’ve always been like oil and water. Sure, they’re both liquids, can be poured into glasses, and even share the same space somewhat; yet they’ll always retain their individuality when push comes to shove. Combining them can be accomplished sensibly, and they can go together rather nicely if and when the sentiments are pushed toward outright farce or parody. (For example, the Scary Movie franchise has successfully lampooned a good many of Horror’s tropes to great comic effect.) As a consumer, I’m still somewhat reticent to embrace their mash-up; but as a critic I’m ready, willing, and able to evaluate such theatrical outings despite the fact that on the way in I’ll always remind readers that it’s hard to impress anyone who isn’t a fan of horrified nonsense.
Now, I realize that may sound harsh to some of you, and – if that’s the case – then you might wanna buckle up before you dip below into my two cents on The Convent (2000). It’s an interesting experience to say that least. Directed by Mike Mendez from a story by Chaton Anderson (who also enjoys a small role in the picture), it’s a story about a bit of … of … well, that’s where the wheels that should be going round-round-round on the bus are instead coming off a bit. Essentially, it’s a haunted house story – albeit set in a condemned convent – along with a bit of spirit possession; and, yet, it’s still opaque when it comes down to characters we should root for and ones worth their sacrifice.
(NOTE: The following review will contain minor spoilers necessary solely for the discussion of plot and/or characters. If you’re the type of reader who prefers a review entirely spoiler-free, then I’d encourage you to skip down to the last few paragraphs for the final assessment. If, however, you’re accepting of a few modest hints at ‘things to come,’ then read on …)
From the film’s IMDB.com page citation:
“A group of college students break into an abandoned convent and become possessed by demonic spirits.”
On a base level, Horror requires a degree of misanthropy.
Its films are often populated with stereotypes because writers don’t feel it necessary to develop them meaningfully since they’re apt to be killed off anyway. Oh, yes, you may get one or two creations that audiences genuinely care about; but since the entire plot revolves around the blood lust of a killer, monster, demon, or something else, the lion’s share of good ideas is reserved for creature origins, fantastic kills, and artistic staging. Horrors that lean a bit more toward the dramatic break this mold somewhat, and yet even they have to fulfill the needs of the ticket buyer which will inevitably boil down to being tickled pink by the gratuitous violence unspooling right before their very eyes.
The Convent does and doesn’t quite follow the prescribed formula, and that’s probably why some have embraced its gooey goodness. Without a doubt, its young cast of good-looking but modestly dim-witted ‘victims in waiting’ all act and speak the way college-aged talent does in these pictures. However, they’re one-by-one possessed by the lingering spirits of those who have fallen previously in this dilapidated building – and it all happens reasonably quickly – so we don’t get to know them in any important way. And as the possessed? Well, there isn’t an ounce of individuality at play, so they exit about as relevant as they entered the whole ordeal.
To the film’s credit, director Mendez largely ignores the usual tropes of this age group: there are no make-out sessions, there are no bouncing bared breasts, and there’s really no time for them to run about making the usual stupid decisions teens suffer ad nauseum in the genre. Rather, they’re here until they’re not … and, yes, that is mildly refreshing. They’re still driven by hormones and one or two make the effort to veer off in that direction, but The Convent is surprisingly deft when it comes to sidestepping what audiences come to expect with the packaging.
In its place?
Well … it’s an awful lot of schtick. And I’m no fan of schtick.
In my estimation, they’ve always been like oil and water. Sure, they’re both liquids, can be poured into glasses, and even share the same space somewhat; yet they’ll always retain their individuality when push comes to shove. Combining them can be accomplished sensibly, and they can go together rather nicely if and when the sentiments are pushed toward outright farce or parody. (For example, the Scary Movie franchise has successfully lampooned a good many of Horror’s tropes to great comic effect.) As a consumer, I’m still somewhat reticent to embrace their mash-up; but as a critic I’m ready, willing, and able to evaluate such theatrical outings despite the fact that on the way in I’ll always remind readers that it’s hard to impress anyone who isn’t a fan of horrified nonsense.
Now, I realize that may sound harsh to some of you, and – if that’s the case – then you might wanna buckle up before you dip below into my two cents on The Convent (2000). It’s an interesting experience to say that least. Directed by Mike Mendez from a story by Chaton Anderson (who also enjoys a small role in the picture), it’s a story about a bit of … of … well, that’s where the wheels that should be going round-round-round on the bus are instead coming off a bit. Essentially, it’s a haunted house story – albeit set in a condemned convent – along with a bit of spirit possession; and, yet, it’s still opaque when it comes down to characters we should root for and ones worth their sacrifice.
(NOTE: The following review will contain minor spoilers necessary solely for the discussion of plot and/or characters. If you’re the type of reader who prefers a review entirely spoiler-free, then I’d encourage you to skip down to the last few paragraphs for the final assessment. If, however, you’re accepting of a few modest hints at ‘things to come,’ then read on …)
From the film’s IMDB.com page citation:
“A group of college students break into an abandoned convent and become possessed by demonic spirits.”
On a base level, Horror requires a degree of misanthropy.
Its films are often populated with stereotypes because writers don’t feel it necessary to develop them meaningfully since they’re apt to be killed off anyway. Oh, yes, you may get one or two creations that audiences genuinely care about; but since the entire plot revolves around the blood lust of a killer, monster, demon, or something else, the lion’s share of good ideas is reserved for creature origins, fantastic kills, and artistic staging. Horrors that lean a bit more toward the dramatic break this mold somewhat, and yet even they have to fulfill the needs of the ticket buyer which will inevitably boil down to being tickled pink by the gratuitous violence unspooling right before their very eyes.
The Convent does and doesn’t quite follow the prescribed formula, and that’s probably why some have embraced its gooey goodness. Without a doubt, its young cast of good-looking but modestly dim-witted ‘victims in waiting’ all act and speak the way college-aged talent does in these pictures. However, they’re one-by-one possessed by the lingering spirits of those who have fallen previously in this dilapidated building – and it all happens reasonably quickly – so we don’t get to know them in any important way. And as the possessed? Well, there isn’t an ounce of individuality at play, so they exit about as relevant as they entered the whole ordeal.
To the film’s credit, director Mendez largely ignores the usual tropes of this age group: there are no make-out sessions, there are no bouncing bared breasts, and there’s really no time for them to run about making the usual stupid decisions teens suffer ad nauseum in the genre. Rather, they’re here until they’re not … and, yes, that is mildly refreshing. They’re still driven by hormones and one or two make the effort to veer off in that direction, but The Convent is surprisingly deft when it comes to sidestepping what audiences come to expect with the packaging.
In its place?
Well … it’s an awful lot of schtick. And I’m no fan of schtick.
Because The Convent leans heavily into dialogue and humor that might impress the average fourteen-year-old, its smarter choices end up meaning very little. Chitchat moments grow exaggerated very quickly such as when the film’s practicing Satanist – Saul (as played by David Gunn) – delivers his lines as though he’s headlining some ‘Shakespeare in the park’ production of Hamlet. He’s so over-the-top – and there’s no doubt it’s deliberate – that it loses any possibility of being real, reinforcing the fact that this is all schlock and not to be taken seriously. Well, if that’s the case, then why am I to be frightened when sparks start flying, blood starts spurting, and the dead start rising?
Again, I don’t doubt that there’s an audience for this kind of fare because pictures of this sort get made and released on home video or pay cable all of the time. That’s all well and good for watchers who like that sort of thing. It’s never resonated with me – as I explained above, there’s just no equilibrium between the disparate elements – and I find myself cringing in lieu of laughing. While the great Adrienne Barbeau’s entrance serves to finally center the action – she plays the older version of the young lady whose plight basically destroyed the convent back in 1960 – even she can’t quite seem to shoulder this one across the finish line. It’s good work, mind you – she’s a legend in this genre, and it’s easy to see why – and, yet, it still feels incomplete in small ways.
It's also worth noting that – in all of this – the real surprise was the character of Mo (Megahn Perry). Goth was a bit of a Hollywood sensation around the time of the film’s production, and Mendez and Anderson were prescient to include a young ‘Goth gal’ in the whole bloody affair. Perry both looks and acts the part winningly, so much so that audiences were likely misdirected into thinking who might be the ‘Final Girl’ in all of this. Sadly, Mo becomes one of the dearly departed brought back by the building’s curse – in fact, I’m quite certain she’s the first to succumb – and the best thing in here (so far as I’m concerned) was robbed from us way too early.
Lastly, I’m a fan of practical effects work in Horror, Fantasy, and Science Fiction; and – on that front – The Convent has some interesting highs and notable lows.
While the make-up and prosthetics are interesting and probably on-par with anything done in its day, the splatter bits suffer from perhaps vary between ‘tolerable’ to ‘ridiculous.’ A few of the walking dead glow downright eerily with what I’m guessing had to be some iridescent body paint (or something), and those sequences make for some striking visuals. Mendez achieves some herky-jerky effects with what was obviously some post-production trickery; but I’m amiss as to what it was meant to say about demonic possession. Style over substance works to limited effect whenever it’s tried, so I’d rather some of that visual polish had been dialed back a bit as the resulting scenes might’ve actually been scarier instead of just plain goofy. Instead, it occasionally feels like a bad music video, and that distracts from the carnage.
And daddy loves his carnage, my friends.
The Convent (2000) was produced by Alpine Pictures. DVD distribution (for this particular release) has been coordinated by the fine folks at Synapse Pictures. As for the technical specifications? While I’m no trained video expert, I thought that this 4K remaster (per the product sleeve) look pretty grand: there’s a bit of grain here and there, a few spots are obviously hindered by darkness, and a possible blemish once or twice but it still looks stylish the way B-Movies typically do. Some of the practical effects don’t hold up as well in High Definition, but I don’t believe anyone was intended to take the casual yet comical beheadings all that serious. As for the special features? Wow. Synapse Films continues to make a name for itself in showcasing some of these obscure oddities; as such, I’m doing the faithful copy-and-paste of the technical rundown from their original press release (on Blu-ray.com) so I don’t leave anything out:
Alas … only Mildly Recommended.
There’s a solid gonzo/guerrilla mentality that underscores the flow of The Convent (2000), a kinda/sorta slapdash of everything but the kitchen sink when it comes to Horror/Comedy hybrids. The jokes are, sadly, predictable; and when not even the jump scares work as designed I’m not entirely convinced the production was supposed to be anything more than a one-timer. Still, I’ve read that the project enjoys a cult following – not sure how, even less sure why – and ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’ is the only explanation for that phenomenon I can imagine.
Come for the goth chick but stay for the Barbeau.
In the interests of fairness, I’m pleased to disclose that the fine folks at Synapse Films provided me with a complimentary 4K UltraHD Blu-ray of The Convent (2000) by request for the expressed purpose of completing this review. Their contribution to me in no way, shape, or form influenced my opinion of it.
-- EZ
Again, I don’t doubt that there’s an audience for this kind of fare because pictures of this sort get made and released on home video or pay cable all of the time. That’s all well and good for watchers who like that sort of thing. It’s never resonated with me – as I explained above, there’s just no equilibrium between the disparate elements – and I find myself cringing in lieu of laughing. While the great Adrienne Barbeau’s entrance serves to finally center the action – she plays the older version of the young lady whose plight basically destroyed the convent back in 1960 – even she can’t quite seem to shoulder this one across the finish line. It’s good work, mind you – she’s a legend in this genre, and it’s easy to see why – and, yet, it still feels incomplete in small ways.
It's also worth noting that – in all of this – the real surprise was the character of Mo (Megahn Perry). Goth was a bit of a Hollywood sensation around the time of the film’s production, and Mendez and Anderson were prescient to include a young ‘Goth gal’ in the whole bloody affair. Perry both looks and acts the part winningly, so much so that audiences were likely misdirected into thinking who might be the ‘Final Girl’ in all of this. Sadly, Mo becomes one of the dearly departed brought back by the building’s curse – in fact, I’m quite certain she’s the first to succumb – and the best thing in here (so far as I’m concerned) was robbed from us way too early.
Lastly, I’m a fan of practical effects work in Horror, Fantasy, and Science Fiction; and – on that front – The Convent has some interesting highs and notable lows.
While the make-up and prosthetics are interesting and probably on-par with anything done in its day, the splatter bits suffer from perhaps vary between ‘tolerable’ to ‘ridiculous.’ A few of the walking dead glow downright eerily with what I’m guessing had to be some iridescent body paint (or something), and those sequences make for some striking visuals. Mendez achieves some herky-jerky effects with what was obviously some post-production trickery; but I’m amiss as to what it was meant to say about demonic possession. Style over substance works to limited effect whenever it’s tried, so I’d rather some of that visual polish had been dialed back a bit as the resulting scenes might’ve actually been scarier instead of just plain goofy. Instead, it occasionally feels like a bad music video, and that distracts from the carnage.
And daddy loves his carnage, my friends.
The Convent (2000) was produced by Alpine Pictures. DVD distribution (for this particular release) has been coordinated by the fine folks at Synapse Pictures. As for the technical specifications? While I’m no trained video expert, I thought that this 4K remaster (per the product sleeve) look pretty grand: there’s a bit of grain here and there, a few spots are obviously hindered by darkness, and a possible blemish once or twice but it still looks stylish the way B-Movies typically do. Some of the practical effects don’t hold up as well in High Definition, but I don’t believe anyone was intended to take the casual yet comical beheadings all that serious. As for the special features? Wow. Synapse Films continues to make a name for itself in showcasing some of these obscure oddities; as such, I’m doing the faithful copy-and-paste of the technical rundown from their original press release (on Blu-ray.com) so I don’t leave anything out:
- NEWLY REMASTERED IN 4K UNCUT VERSION, supervised and approved by director, Mike Mendez
- DOLBY VISION/HDR PRESENTATION OF THE FILM
- 4K BLU-RAY/BLU-RAY COMBO PACK
- 5.1 stereo surround mix from the original 16-track audio masters
- Cast and crew audio commentary, featuring director Mike Mendez
- "Lords of Hell" audio commentary featuring Saul and Dickie-Boy
- Video tour of both THE CONVENT and KILLERS film locations
- Vintage "Making of" featurette
- Vintage original studio Electronic Press Kit (EPK)
- "It's Always Something with a Virgin" Liner notes booklet from Corey Danna
- Deleted scene
- Gore outtakes
- Still gallery
- Promotional trailers
- Optional English SDH subtitles for the main feature
- REGION-FREE
Alas … only Mildly Recommended.
There’s a solid gonzo/guerrilla mentality that underscores the flow of The Convent (2000), a kinda/sorta slapdash of everything but the kitchen sink when it comes to Horror/Comedy hybrids. The jokes are, sadly, predictable; and when not even the jump scares work as designed I’m not entirely convinced the production was supposed to be anything more than a one-timer. Still, I’ve read that the project enjoys a cult following – not sure how, even less sure why – and ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’ is the only explanation for that phenomenon I can imagine.
Come for the goth chick but stay for the Barbeau.
In the interests of fairness, I’m pleased to disclose that the fine folks at Synapse Films provided me with a complimentary 4K UltraHD Blu-ray of The Convent (2000) by request for the expressed purpose of completing this review. Their contribution to me in no way, shape, or form influenced my opinion of it.
-- EZ
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